I never

...did the cliched "Summary of my Year" post at new years. I thought I did. Maybe this is better. Maybe my brain needed two and a half months of 2010 to recover from 2009.

Although there wasn't much to recover from. My 2009 was like my 2008/7/6/5/. If my life was a movie, it would be on grainy black and white film and the plot would be minimal at best. There would be characters flitting in and out constantly, save for the few static people that I knew long ago weren't going anywhere. Critics would complain that the central character wasn't ever fully developed, that the movie was just a series of comical anecdotes with little substance in between. And they'd be right, I suppose, to an extent.

I am growing. I know so much more about myself now than I did this time last year. And yeah, the last three-ish months have been really emotional, but now I know that I can care. That I don't always have to try so hard. I'm not going to go out and talk about my feelings. I still can't do that. But at least now I know there are some feelings there to talk about. That's an improvement, I guess.

I don't really like to make resolutions. Whenever I do I end up breaking them or forgetting them altogether. I decided I'd stop pulling on my hair. There's one curl that always is a perfect spiral, even when the rest of my hair is tangly. I've taken to pulling on the one perfect curl when I'm feeling especially anxious, confident that it will always go back to where it was. That's like a metaphor for my life.

I need to learn to be the opposite of a rubber band. That will be my resolution.

I know it's been a while.
Kelly