College

I've been frantically shopping. Shopping for bedding and a lamp and a rug and all sorts of things I never realized I'd actually need. Like a water filter. And bed lifts. But even with a long and growing to-do list, my impending college attendance wasn't really solidified in my mind until today, when The Castillian finallyyyy gave me my roommates. It's almost like I was buying all of these dorm room essentials for someone else and now that they're bought, I'm realizing they're actually for me.

On the one hand, I'm so ready to be gone. I feel like I've done everything there is to do in Plano and now that I have this huge new plan just a week a way, every second I have to drive the same streets to the same houses and pass the same places just adds to the anxious pit in my stomach. Even guarding, which I've never denied is the easiest job in the world and even semi enjoyable, is killing me. It's like how I used to feel walking into synagogue, as bad and sacrilegious as that sounds. It's like all of my energy is just sucked out, and the loud whistles and screams and splashes that never really bothered me are amplified by my irrational and sudden hatred of work.

But on the other hand, I loved Plano. It was a nice place to grow up. Calm and steady, even though those are weird words to describe a city. Nothing changes, nothing rocks the boat. Relatively, the Plano Bubble was a good place to live. I love my friends. I'll miss them. But even that doesn't outweigh the fact that as great as this place was, it's time to leave.

Everyone has to strike out sometime. I guess eventually I'll figure out how to balance the part of me roaring to leave and the part of me grasping to everything I know.

I've been working on living more coherently, if that makes sense. Hey Lindsey, was this a good start?

kelly