Things I Wrote In Utah

Conflict Averse

Everything in Utah is really bright. Usually my eyes were protected,
shielded behind the yellow plastic of my ski goggles. But when I took
my sun-and-snow-shine barriers off, everything turned this brilliant
shade of light blue. At night, even where the earth was shadowed there
was always a beam of moonlight cast onto the snow and reflecting so
brightly it might as well have been noon. But I liked the first
moments without my goggles- everything looks new and even squinting
against the sudden light it's a comfort knowing that the sun is still
there.

We went tubing. They attached us to this pulley thing and dragged
(drug?) us up a huge hill. And when we got to the top they pushed us
back down in tubes. I went careening down the slope spinning, so fast
and wild and for the thirty seconds it took to get the to bottom, so
out of control. And it was terrifying. Not because I was afraid I'd
crash, but because there are few things in my life I don't have
complete control over. And that's always been my problem- my complete
and utter need to have absolute control over every aspect of my own
life.

But when you're as conflict averse as I am, there will always be loose
ends. Because instead of asking "why aren't we on speaking terms?" ill
dance around it. I'll ask how your break was. And when you don't text
back I won't let you know how much it hurts, I'll bottle it up with
all the rest of the emotions I prefer to pretend I don't posses and
wait until you feel like cluing me in. And since that's something i
can't force, enter the lack of control that drives me insane. It's
really just a horribly vicious cycle.


This blog has so become a method of dealing with my own screwed up
emotions. Since I can't talk about it, I may as well write it.

Kelly

Ps
Hey Kevin Michael Pellicone and Jaime Ping-Ling-Shing- Cho- Chow
Cheng. Was that racist? My bad.